The first time I went to church, it was to impress a girl.
You see, I was an athiest for most of my life. I had real trouble believing that anything in the Bible could possibly be true. In my experience, people could not be healed by faith, men could not walk on water, and human beings certainly could not be raised from the dead. To me the Bible was nothing but a series of short fairy tales tucked in between long sections of mind numbing drivel. Since I had no God in my life, I made myself god. I did some things during that time which looking back, I'm not proud of. I lived for the moment and engaged in all kinds of self destructive behaviors because deep down, I really hated myself.
In 2003, I started dating a woman who worked out at the gym where I worked as a personal trainer. One day, she asked me if I would like to go to church with her. I wanted to impress this girl and thought that if I took an interest in something that she was interested in, I would score some points. So I said, "Sure."
In September of 2003 we walked through the front door of Good Shepherd Community Church in Boring, OR. During the service, the pastor asked the question, "How can we be SURE that Jesus was raised from the dead?" This got my attention because this was the very question I asked all of my believing friends. I have to reiterate here that I walked into that churhc a hardened skeptic who had serious questions about the validity of the Bible. The pastor went on to talk about the evidence that Jesus really existed, was crucified, and was raised from the dead. In spite of myself, I had to admit that on the surface, he made a pretty decent case. I did not go so far as to come to Christ that night but what the pastor said stuck with me and I decided to look into the case for the ressurection for myself. I researched the subject for probably about 6 months reading all that I could about the Bible, church history, apologetics, the theories of skeptics etc. To my great surprise, after I weighed all of the evidence, I came to the firm conclusion that the Biblical accounts of the life, death and ressurection of Jesus Christ are accurate. In my mind, I believed that the evidence pointed to the claims of the Bible being true. However, faith of the mind and faith of the heart are two different things. I still had much to learn and it was stuff that I could never learn in any book.
In early February of 2004, disaster struck my world. My position at work was eliminated and I could no longer afford to live in my appartment. I had to move in with my girlfriend, her mother and her little sister. A few weeks after I moved in, my girlfriend announced that she was breaking up with me. A few days after that, I looked on her blog and discovered that the reason that she was breaking up with me was because she had met another guy at my gym. That was just about the last straw. I remember shutting the computer down and going out the front door of their house. I had to get out of there. When I got about halfway down the driveway, I realized that for the first time in my life, I literally had nowhere to go. Here were my choices: 1. the house where my ex-girlfriend who had just shattered my heart lived, 2. the gym, where my job was being cut and where this same ex-girlfriend was probably now taking a yoga class. I had no other friends that I could turn to. Devestated, I went back into the house. I collapsed to my knees in the living room and cried out to God. "If you're there," I said, "I need you right now." After a few minutes, I had this sudden urge to get up and check my e-mail. Now keep in mind that I had just been on my e-mail about 15 minutes before and there was nothing there. I got online and logged onto my e-mail account expecting to find nothing or at best, maybe some junk mail. Instead I found the following e-mail from an old college friend and strong believer named Rhonda,
Sean,
I'm really glad to see that you have reached thispoint (of humility). It has been something I have been praying about for a long time. I know that it is hard to realize that God has always been there for you. I want you to look back on the good things that have happened to you in the midst of the bad things. That was God. God doesn't cause bad things to happen in our lives. That is Satan trying to undermine God. God helps us through those bad times. Which church are you going to up there?
I'm sorry to hear that things at work are going so crappy. But, I do think the power of prayer really can help you through those times. I'm sorry that the Stash (my ex) thing isn't working. Knowing you as well as I do, I know how much you are hurting right now. I don't think moving in with some one off the Internet is a good idea. That is VERY SCARY to me. If you are attending a church right now, maybe you can check with them and see if anyone knows of a place. Try that first, PLEASE. Embrace this time of growing closer to God is so exciting and fulfilling. I would suggest being at church as much as you can, whether it's Bible study, men's groups, church service or even helping out. God will use that to bless you. Plus, you will meet other friends that are Christians. That is extremely important. They will be your family, your prayer warrior, and your comfort in times of need. I feel that God has blessed you with such a kind helping heart so that He doesn't totally lose you to being a hard hearted person. I would really suggest that you keep a prayer journal, it helps organize your thoughts, helps you vent things, and is amazing to look back on and see what God has done in your life. You would be amazed when I have gone back to see things and how they have changed.
Sean, God has always been there. The evidence is there, friendships you have had, people that have come into your life. God has been planting the seeds in your life, Sean. Now, you are starting to reap them. Praise God for that. You know I have never pushed you towards god. But, we always talked. We have all sinned. there are many things that I wish I could go back and change. And Satan loves throwing them in my face. But, god's grace and forgiveness is far bigger then that. He died for all our sins. Nothing we could do, think, or be tempted by, He wasn't already experienced. Keep this in mind We are justified by His blood, in other words, it's "just-as-if-we-havenever sinned". The truth is always there in the Bible. I have always known that you have wanted a relationship with God. I am glad that you were able to call out to Him in prayer. That is all He has ever wanted you to do. It is always our choice if we turn to Him or not. We can always find our strength in Him. Look up this verse in the Bible-
Matthew 11:28-30"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and Iwill give you rest."
Write this on a card and stick it in your wallet. Let Him give you that rest when you are weary. The biggest question I have you for you is "Have you accepted Jesus as your Savior?"I will keep your prayer request and pray for them everyday. You are always in my prayers, Sean. whileI read your requests, I gotta tell you, it made me cry. I have had my own Bible study group pray for these things for you-that you let God in, that you develop a relationship with Him, that you find a church. It's so amazing that God has answered everyone of them. Don't forget that God loves you and is always there for you. And, so am I.
Rhonda
That night in late March of 2003, I took a long walk all around Gresham and Fairview. I thought about all that had happened in the last few months. I thought about Stash, and the church, and the sermon. I thought about all the books I had read and the conclusions that I had come to which surprised me more than anyone. Finally I thought about the e-mail I had received that day. On the way back to Stash's house, in a tiny community flower garden somewhere in Fairview that I probably couldn't find again if I tried, I sat down on a bench and prayed to receive Christ.
Things slowly got better. A few days later, I moved in with a trainer at Ballys who, judging by the decorations in her appartment, had a somewhat unhealthy fascination with human skeletons. I slept on an air mattress in her living room. The thing leaked like crazy. I would wake up every morning to find my feet elevated way above my head. I lived like this for about a month. Finally, I was able to rent a bedroom from someone at my church. A few weeks after that, the Lord provided me with a new job and I was able to begin rebuilding financially. I was going to church regularly now, making friends and growing in the Lord. One day in april I was at my young adults Bible study when a cute but very talkative girl sat down at our table. To my surprise, we ended up talking. Her name was Amy and I asked her out that night. About 3 years later, we would be married. I began to care about life again. I quit doing the dangerous and self destructive things that I had been doing. I rediscovered my passion for hiking and writing. I discovered that I LOVED Gods word and loved studying it. I still have difficulties like anyone else but even in my darkest hours, I now have hope.
One final note: In November of 2006 I had the honor of going and working for a week helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Our team did mostly demolition work down there. As I tore the drywall and pulled nails out of damaged houses, I couldn't help but reflect on those hard times that I went through as I became a believer. You see, on the surface, we were taking damaged houses and damaging them even more. They acutally looked worse when we got through with them than they did before. We still felt good about what we were doing though because we knew that teams after us would come in and put in new drywall, new insullation, new windows and doors, and new landscaping. Once again, the house would be beautiful. But sometimes houses have to be torn completely down for that to happen.
What a great metaphor for the Christian life. God takes a person who has been damaged by sin to the point that they are completely useless and begins to work with them. First, he has to rip out all of the junk: The unhealthy relationships, the pride, the addictions that we used to fall back on in our times of trouble. For awhile, we sometimes look and feel worse than we did before God came into our lives. BUT praise God, he rebuilds. He puts in new relationships -- healthy ones. He breaks our pride and teaches us humility and dependance on Him and on one another. He replaces the addictions and negative coping mechanisms with nothing less than Himself. It's a lifelong process but one day we will get to heaven and it will be done. A brand new person -- we get to keep our identity but with all of the good stuff and none of the bad. Praise God for His wisdom and mercy.
